


heartbreak anniversary

by johnyongclub



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, How Do I Tag, Lee Taeyong Needs a Hug, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:00:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23173558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnyongclub/pseuds/johnyongclub
Summary: and then, of course, the reality of it had sunk deep into his bones, cutting him up into pieces. for every piece he puts back into place, another ten shatters.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 14
Kudos: 105





	heartbreak anniversary

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first ever johnyong fic and OF COURSE it had to be angst. it's just my thing. it's like i can't help it. i will most likely write something lighter in the future though.
> 
> title and story(loosely) based on giveon's heartbreak anniversary.
> 
> also like, if you wanna be friends and talk about johnyong im @johnyongclub on twt

there is a spot on the ceiling that wouldn't go away no matter how hard taeyong scrubbed at it, perched at the top of the ladder and sweating even though he had the a/c on while he worked on it. it's become something he stares up at before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up, no matter the time of day. sometimes he spends an entire day with a brush in hand and pours all of his energy into scrubbing it off until his hands are pruny from the water and soap. it fades but the morning after, darkens once again.

sometimes taeyong rolls over and cries into his pillow. 

it's so easy to blame on such minor things for the fall of what he'd built, of what they'd built together and he knows that there is nothing and no one else at fault but them. still, as he cries into his pillow, taeyong wonders if johnny would have left so abruptly if he didn't bring up all of his flaws and used them as a reason to why he was so unhappy. he wonders if johnny would've stayed had taeyong calmed down that night and pulled the older close instead of let his anger fuel his own. he wonders, still, if johnny thinks about him now.

rolling onto his back, his gaze automatically lifts to the spot on the ceiling, a bruising brown that seems to be looking down at him, mocking. always mocking, a constant reminder that his tendency to be too much had been the reason that johnny walked out. god, he had been the reason johnny walked out. he could blame it on the way johnny left dirty dishes in the sink or the way he left his dirty clothes on the floor, late to work. always late. he could blame it on the fact that johnny was his own kind of stubborn, that johnny never listens and always forgets things. he could blame the way johnny never bothered to clean that very spot on their ceiling but he knows at the end of the day that it hadn't mattered. johnny mattered and he'd failed to show it.

he could blame it all on everything else but taeyong knows he was the only reason why. 

he feels especially dreadful today. a single glance at the clock on his nightstand tells him that he had missed lunch but taeyong doesn't care; he isn't hungry. he doesn't think he would be hungry today. there's a dull throb in his head, pounding gently against his temples and it's not the same kind of pain he usually feels whenever he works a little too much. he doesn't worry. he doesn't want to exist, not today, at least. especially not today. 

his phone beams, catching his attention and cruelly the notification is a reminder that today marks their fifth year anniversary. or would have been. he'd forgotten to delete it off his planner, having been busy occupying himself with piles of work so he never had the time to truly mourn. today, though? today he feels an impossibility of pretending he's okay. he'd been lucky that it's a saturday and he has the day off but he's starting to wonder if it would be better that he's buried underneath all the work he had to get done.

he thinks he would prefer that than this. 

with a sigh, taeyong finally leaves his bed, dragging his two feet outside of his room and towards the kitchen so he could make himself coffee. his mug sits right next to johnny's and it's a cold reminder of how fresh his wound is; johnny hasn't even come back to take his things. he lets the glasses touch, the soft clink a familiar sound that he doesn't let linger too long. soon he occupies his thoughts with mental notes to buy more teabags. coffee won't taste as good for a little while. he eventually decides on pouring water into his mug, chugging it to dampen his dry throat. it's hard to swallow. 

he shivers when he opens the window, immediately regretting it. it's cold outside, like the night johnny had slammed the door shut in his face and never returned since. he stands there for a minute or ten, taeyong isn't sure. he recalls memories he wishes don't hurt but sting like hell. he remembers. that's all his mind is able to do. 

the night johnny had asked him to be his boyfriend five years ago, oddly and somewhat terrifyingly, was as cold as the wind that blows in his face. he'd smiled at taeyong, the kind of smile he usually wears when he's feeling fond, like when he pets a puppy and carries it in his arms. he hadn't been nervous but taeyong was. he had wanted this for so long and when johnny had finally asked him out on a date, taeyong couldn't remember being so happy. he was, he remembers this clearly, the most nervous he had ever been. but johnny had smiled at him again and kissed him on his cheek, told him that he wanted this with taeyong and promised him so many things. things that he made sure came through. 

johnny was, simply, perfect in the most imperfect ways. where he lacked, he made it up with something else. he would hold taeyong on his hardest days and tell him it would be okay and he'd always kiss him. johnny always kisses him. when he had left, taeyong had missed his kisses the most before anything else. and then, of course, the reality of it had sunk deep into his bones, cutting him up into pieces. for every piece he puts back into place, another ten shatters. the first month had felt like forever. 

he closes the window when he finds himself shivering, decides he needs a long, hot shower, but even the water feels icy on his skin. the warmth doesn't last and taeyong leaves the shower with his teeth chattering. he realizes, a beat later and a single glance at the heater, that he'd forgotten to turn the hot water on. he must have missed it. sometimes he thinks he isn't awake for most of the time. his best friend, doyoung, worries but he tells the younger boy not to. 

as if on cue, a few pings go off on his phone and he doesn't check it until he was fully dressed, deciding to pull on his favorite hoodie that smelled a little too much like johnny. of course, he remembers only after he'd slipped his head through the hole, that it'd belonged to the older. in some sort of demented way that his longing had pushed him to, taeyong keeps it on. he smiles whenever the collar brushes against his nose and he could take a whiff of the cologne johnny loved. 

doyoung tells him through text that he wants to meet for dinner and taeyong knows it's his way of trying to keep him afloat on such a painful day. every other year prior to this one, it had been doyoung and ten that had always helped taeyong plan his anniversary gifts for johnny. he wonders if his two friends could feel the same incompleteness he does. he hopes they don't. 

taeyong never has the heart to deny doyoung so he agrees to meet him, to which the younger reminds him that he would be picking him up at six pm sharp and that taeyong has to be ready by then because doyoung hates waiting. he tells his best friend not to worry, with a little thank you. still, every thank you feels empty, as if no matter how many times he thanks the younger, it would never be enough to show him just how thankful he is. so taeyong thanks him again.

he's just sat down on his couch with a bowl of instant ramen to fill his stomach for a little bit when someone rings the bell. he huffs, a little annoyed because he isn't anywhere near the mood to be entertaining guests and it couldn't be doyoung or ten, the latter having flown back to thailand to spend time with his family. his hot, steaming ramen would be colder once he returns and it only makes taeyong even more irritable.

that, however, is quickly disregarded as soon as he opens the door and finds johnny standing there, a smile on his face. it's the first time taeyong has seen him since their break up and he's not certain how long it's been but johnny doesn't look any different. his hair is still the same shade of brown, just a little longer now. his smile is hesitant and his eyes are a little sad but besides that, johnny still looks like johnny. he's covered in layers. he must have felt the cold too, then, taeyong thinks. it shouldn't be this cold in march. 

taeyong notices the jacket johnny's wearing, the same one he did when they met after he'd stormed out of the house, where he told taeyong that they should part ways. he realizes just then that he'd been wearing the same hoodie too and johnny notices that, if the way his gaze flickered down to the front of his hoodie is any indication.

the coincidences feel odd. taeyong wonders what kind of heartbreak came with the cold this time.

"—to grab my things," johnny is saying and taeyong had to blink twice to realize that the taller is telling him something. at his confusion, johnny repeats. "i'm here to grab my things. i hope i didn't bother you or anything."

oh.

_ oh. _

of course. the cold wouldn't have come without stringing along another form of pain taeyong had to endure. somewhere deep inside of him, he wants to be angry at johnny for choosing today, of all days.

he swallows, pause. and then, "sure, come in."

when johnny slips into the house, taeyong sees a dark haired male in the driver's seat of the car he assumes johnny had been in. jaehyun, then, taeyong recognizes. he had been johnny's longest, oldest friend and unfortunately, never a fan of johnny's relationship with taeyong. he never found out just why jaehyun doesn't like him. he dips his head in a subtle greeting before closing the door. 

he finds johnny already in their once shared room, his food forgotten even more so as he watches the taller male fold his clothes, stuffing them neatly into a bag. his heart hurts, his fingers are numb, taeyong's head pounds. 

"i'll just get some of my clothes out of the closet," johnny says, as if he feels obligated to make the silence less deafening. when he lifts his head, it's to look at his hoodie that taeyong is wearing and he smiles. "you can keep that one. you've always loved it. i don't mind."

taeyong doesn't know what to say.  _ thank you _ ? for leaving? for letting him wear the hoodie that smells like him still? in the end, taeyong only nods, curt and firm. his eyes and throat burn and he clenches his jaw, stops himself from crying. in that fleeting moment, he thinks of all the times he's had to watch johnny pack his clothes whenever he has to go back to chicago and remembers the pain of having to go a couple of weeks without the older. the pain now is incomparable. 

johnny continues to pack but taeyong thinks he might suffocate if he stayed to watch so he leaves to hide in the kitchen. he watches as the steam slowly stops dissipating from his bowl of noodles and it helps him calm his breathing, helps him clear his head. it doesn't, however, help the pain subside. instead, it grows twice in size and taeyong thinks about how johnny would come again to get more of his things and how much worse it would be for him. 

he tries not to cry, he really does. but taeyong is only human and he succumbs to his emotions, bursting out into a soft sob that he muffles against the material of the hoodie. having johnny here to remove all traces of him having lived here and loved taeyong is only making it more real. and it hurts. god, it hurts. taeyong doesn't know when the hurt will stop. if it ever will.

after some time, he managed to stop crying, sniffling as he bends over the sink to splash water onto his face. his eyes feel swollen, his mouth numb, and he couldn't really breathe. his reflection shows the redness around his eyes, at the tip of his nose but he figures there's no hiding from johnny so he doesn't worry about being seen. when the older leaves the room with two bags full of his clothes, taeyong sees the dampness that surrounds his eyes, red, like he'd been crying as well and he wonders if the sobs he'd heard earlier were just his own or johnny's too. 

he watches as johnny places his bags down, eyes scanning around the place and looking more like he's searching for words to say thank things to bring home. it's taeyong who breaks the silence this time, his voice small.

"i missed you," he says because there's nothing else he could say and everything else he would have come up with would have been a lie. so he tells him the truth; the simple, painful truth. "it's been so hard without you, johnny. i didn't think it could hurt any more but then today- and you- it hurts, john. i wish it didn't have to be this way."

johnny's eyes are kind; they have always been kind, but they are also hurt and mournful and taeyong doesn't, couldn't, understand why this had to be the way. johnny laughs then, humorless, stepping a little closer towards him. "i wish it didn't have to be this way either."

"then why?" taeyong asks, desperate.

"because i don't make you happy anymore. and you could say that i do but it still won't change the fact that i have so much to work on myself," johnny explains and he's sniffling, his voice breaking, like he might cry again as he raises a hand to caress taeyong's cheek. "and.. we've said this before. we both have to work on ourselves."

taeyong stares into johnny's pretty brown eyes until he couldn't anymore, dipping his head and subconsciously leaning into the older's soft caress. he misses this; he misses johnny's hands and misses his warmth. he misses johnny. he thinks he always will. still, he nods, because he understands and agrees. his own hand raises to curl his fingers around johnny's wrist and he smiles, or tries to, as he kisses the taller's palm, brings it to press against his chest whilst he sobs.

johnny takes back his hand and taeyong panics momentarily but as soon as he is engulfed within johnny's familiar and strong arms, he breaks. there's a river of tears that pours down his cheeks as he buries his face into the older's chest, soaking his shirt, staining the material with splotches of dark spots where his tears fell. johnny holds him tight, his lips against the crown of his head. he holds taeyong for a long time, the two of them shed their own kind of hurt, putting it all out the way they couldn't do on their own. in a way, taeyong is grateful.

he doesn't know how much time had passed when johnny pulls away. he'd stopped crying and johnny is offering a smile, small but still there. they don't speak as johnny picks up his bags and walks off to the door but this time it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. taeyong thinks he's grown numb. johnny turns to face him once he's at the door, lips parted to speak but taeyong beats him to it.

"you still have the keys?" he asks and continues when johnny nods. "i'd appreciate it if you could come take your things while i'm at work."

there, simple. their gazes meet and johnny nods, understanding. taeyong should let him go but instead he steps closer, so close he had to tip his head slightly to look up at the taller male. to his surprise, johnny leans and their lips meet. the sparks are as bright as ever but this one comes with another kind of promise.

"someday," johnny says as he pulls back, sounding hopeful and taeyong feels the same hope plant itself in his chest. "when we're okay again and your heart is still open for me, and mine for you. i hope we can start again." 

johnny gifts him with another smile and taeyong watches as he carries his bags and walks off, disappears into the car and jaehyun doesn't waste another minute before he drives off. taeyong stays there even long after jaehyun's car had disappeared because all he could hear is the hopeful voice johnny spoke to him with and he knows. taeyong knows.

his heart would always be open for johnny.

  
  



End file.
